by Danny Gallagher
Long serving Senator turned President John Blutarsky was more than just a beloved leader, an inspiration to the nation and a reason the White House has a fully stocked beer garden. He saw the nation through some of its most trying moments with poise, resolve and confidence that only a true leader can possess. He inspired the nation to “get off their asses and get this s#*$ done” whether it was balancing the budget, spreading peace through uncivilized worlds or restocking the Lincoln Bedroom liquor cabinet. So as another pandering presidential election looms on the horizon, we look back at one of the nation’s greatest leaders who taught us that in the worst of times, the best thing we can do is to start drinking heavily.
2000
After serving 15 years in the Senate as one of the body’s most popular legislators due to countless hours he spent on Capitol Hill holding late night exploratory committees on Jack Daniels subsidies, he decides to enter the political race for President. He easily sweeps the primary winning the blue states with promises to legalize marijuana and the red states with promises to eliminate all taxes on beer, liquor, moonshine and cough medicine. He wins by a wide margin after throwing the entire county a taxpayer funded keg party that lasts three days and through Election Day where the entire country forgets exactly who they voted for.
2001
President Blutarsky is inaugurated into office as the 44th President of the United States. His 45-minute speech addressed growing concerns about unrest in the Middle East and political division by imploring Americans to get off their asses and quit “all this lying around s#*$,” repeating the masterful theme of his presidential campaign and every State of the Union he would give during his two terms in office. His inauguration party featured a live performance by Andrew W.K. and the world’s largest Old Milwaukee fountain.
2002
Scandal breaks out early in his campaign after opponents in the legislature accuse him of firing competent employees of several federal departments and replacing them with members of his alma mater’s fraternity Delta Tau Chi. President Blutarsky insists they are qualified applicants, despite the fact that the U.S. Attorney’s Office’s average blood alcohol levels was higher than the average bar exam score. The investigation closes without further incident by Attorney General Robert Hoover.
2003
Tired of dealing with the constant threats, President Blutarsky declares war on North Korea, claiming that their search for weapons of mass destruction has come dangerously close to producing a projectile that can achieve an elevation of up to 5 feet off the ground. Troops clear Kim Jong Il’s bunker in a matter of days and soon find the brutal leader who is brought to justice before a military tribunal. Blutarsky deflects rumors that the true reason the U.S. invaded was to access Kim Jong Il’s massive private supply of Hennessey.
2004
A sudden health scare leads to a serious injury for the President. He chokes on a pretzel during a late night summit meeting/toga party with members of Israeli’s parliament. Doctors report that the choking occurred when the President realized the beer he was drinking was non-alcoholic. He escapes without suffering serious injury from choking, but drinking non-alcoholic beer leaves him bedridden for several days.
2005
A category 5 hurricane strikes the Gulf Coast causing damages in three states. Southern Louisiana doesn’t see the brunt of the storm but suffering catastrophic flooding due to faulty levees and years of improper preparation by the city, state and federal emergency preparedness organizations. President Blutarsky singlehandedly refunds the efforts to rebuild the area’s economies by repaying all of the bar tabs he ran up on Bourbon Street during the 1988 Republican National Convention.
2006
Tragedy almost strikes the President after a lone gunman attempts an assassination while Blutarsky congratulates the winners of the Bud Bowl at a DC tavern. Fortunately, the bullet did not penetrate the President’s body thanks to layers of form fitting fat brought on by years of beer drinking and coupled with the two and three-quarters of a keg of beer he finished during the congratulations ceremony. The bullet bounced off Blutarsky’s stomach and struck the gunman Vernon Wormer instead.
2007
Despite earlier concerns about the insolvency of social security and a waning economy, President Blutarsky manages to balance the deficit and encourage employment and economic growth through a revolutionary tax reform package that drastically reduces taxes for “ladies’ nights” across the country.
2008
President Blutarsky leaves office with a record high economic rate, relative peace both domestic and abroad and a very high presidential approval rating. However, a UN study ranks the nation second to last in education and first in liver disease.
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Now that’s a winning smile.
Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and double secret probation officer. He can found on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net and on Twitter @ThisIsDannyG.
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They didn’t build a better mousetrap, but they made the one we have funnier.
Danny interviewed Keegan-Michael Key in The Key to Comedy and Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood in It’s Their Line.
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